Love Hurts
by lycanus1
Summary: Fearing rejection, Thorin turns away from Kili … only for the youngster to reveal the true extent of his feelings after a vicious skirmish with Azog's orcs. **WARNING: contains mild slash a strong-ish language**


**WARNING:** AU. Contains mild slash and rated for strong language.

 _ **XXXXXXXXX**_

 **Love Hurts**

Kili stood frozen in horror as the massive, white warg effortlessly tossed Thorin's dazed body into the air as if he weighed less than a feather. Yet Kili was only too aware that no feather could possibly come into contact with hard, unyielding rock with such a sickening thud. And that's exactly what his beloved Uncle had done. The King Under the Mountain crashed onto the ground and lay there. Broken … and ever so still, causing his youngest nephew to fear the worst. That his greatest fear had come to pass.

Sickened beyond belief, Kili was vaguely aware of the trace of panic in Fili's voice as he yelled Thorin's name. The Durin heir, despite being a light-hearted, fun-loving dwarf, was clearly struggling to hide his fear and distress. And hearing his beloved older sibling react in such a way only enforced the gravity of Thorin's situation in Kili's mind.

The situation worsened when one of Azog's, the white orc's minions approached Thorin, sword in hand. The orc briefly rested the crude, yet lethal blade against the fallen dwarf king's neck before slowly raising it. The intent in the beast's cold, unfeeling eyes became all too clear. It _meant_ to kill Thorin. To steal away his life in a most brutal way and along with it, Kili's. For Thorin was Kili's life … and to take away one would surely take away the other.

Only it never came to pass. The blade never fell. Never met its target. Never came into contact with the dwarf King's skin. Nor cleaved that regal head or severed it from its powerful body. All that Kili'd dreaded more than anything never came to fruition, thanks to the unexpected actions of a most unlikely individual.

The Hobbit. Bilbo. Irritating, pernickety, whining Bilbo. Only this wasn't the same cowering, snivelling hobbit who'd been afraid of his own shadow. No, this one wasn't as cowardly and somehow, unbelievably, had found the nerve to attack a battle-hardened orc three times his size and distract it from killing Thorin. The hobbit although clearly frightened, was equally defiant and determined to keep the quest leader alive at all costs. Whether it was a combination of sheer luck, grit or bloody-mindedness, Kili would never know, but the sight of the small half-ling slaying the scarred orc would remain with him forever. It also shook both him and his brother out of their horrified stupor. Spurred into action, they quickly leapt into the fray and began to spill their own share of orc life-blood. Until the ground beneath their feet was stained black and the air reeked of death.

Everything that followed afterwards was a blur. Desperate and fearful of losing Thorin - his One - and consumed by intense anger, Kili barely remembered the rest of the skirmish or how he and the rest of the company had escaped with help from Gwahir and the giant eagles. All he could think of was Thorin. How lifeless his beloved appeared. How the vivid scarlet trails of blood streaked his pale, bruised skin and how battered and broken his strong, powerful body looked as it lay limp and inert upon the ground.

Yet somehow, despite all the company's fears, Thorin defied the odds. Somehow, whether it was by inner strength, sheer defiance or will-power alone, Thorin Oakenshield pulled through, much to his brethren's delight ... and an overwrought Kili's relief.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Two days after Thorin's recovery, a still upset Kili was unable to find a moment alone with his beloved uncle. No matter how hard he tried to do so, the King Under the Mountain was never left alone. Always within sight, never within reach. It was as if the company had resolved to keep Thorin, for his safety of course, under close scrutiny. And if Kili didn't know better, he'd have sworn the fates were conspiring against him. Whenever he sought Thorin's company, there was always someone with him. Be it Dwalin, Balin, his beloved brother, Fili, Gandalf or gods forbid, that blasted hobbit who appeared intent on gaining Thorin's favour.

 _Mahal !_ It was enough to drive a young, love-struck dwarf to madness and sheer despair.

So Kili was left to watch his One from afar. Reduced to seeing the proud, older dwarf in the company of others and Thorin's irritation grow with every passing hour he wasn't left alone and in peace. And Kili knew Thorin well, having yearned for and studied him covertly for years. He knew Thorin's body language almost as well as his own. Could see the increasing tension in every fine line and sinew of that much admired, strapping frame as the King's patience quickly eroded and his tolerance of being coddled dwindled. And Thorin loathed being patronized, being told what he could and couldn't do and going by how over-protective and stifling the company's presence had become, Kili sensed that Thorin's formidable temper would eventually fray. That someone would inevitably and unwittingly fall foul of his wrath. Sooner, rather than later. And Kili prayed that he wouldn't be the one to do so - not that he'd had much opportunity of late to be near his love to vex him in any way.

Kili sighed heavily. Being separated from the one he loved more than life itself was proving tiresome. It also left him envious, angry and more than a little frustrated. Envious that others stood in his place by Thorin's side; angry that Thorin's rashness had almost been the death of him and frustrated that he, Kili, was unable to show the true extent of his feelings. That he couldn't touch and revel in the feel, the strength and warmth of the one who meant everything to him. Something which he craved more than anything …

 _ **XXXXX**_

It was later that evening when Kili finally got his wish. He'd just about given up in despair when he suddenly realized that a certain dark-haired, blue-eyed leader of their company was not among them. That he actually was missing. And as that awareness sank in, the anxiety the young archer already felt rapidly transformed into genuine panic.

Glancing around the camp, he noted most of his brethren, with the exception of Bofur who'd taken the first watch, were either chatting quietly amongst themselves or fast asleep by the fire. Balin and Gandalf were planning the following day's route, whilst Fili appeared to be joined to Dwalin's hip, having curled up trustingly against the older, tattooed dwarf. Meanwhile, the gruff, battle-hardened Dwalin's harsh features had softened as he idly stroked the Durin heir's golden tresses and a faint glimmer of a rare, contented smile curved his lips when the younger dwarf nestled closer to him for warmth.

A pang of envy and sadness pierced Kili's heart as he watched his older brother sleep peacefully in his lover's protective embrace. It wasn't that Fili'd found someone who loved him deeply which hurt, but the fact that he was able to openly show that he returned those feelings wholeheartedly. That he could lie with his soul mate without fear of rejection or recrimination. Nor would he be condemned by others for loving Dwalin. It was something Kili desperately craved for with Thorin … yet it was something he knew deep down he'd never have. For despite Thorin being his One, it didn't matter that Kili needed him like the air he breathed and loved and wanted him with every fibre of his being. Kili knew it was an impossible dream.

A dream forever out of Kili's reach. So very tantalizingly close, yet so agonizingly far.

 _ **XXXXX**_

Knowing that sleep wouldn't come easily to him that night a restless Kili inhaled deeply then, cautiously, slipped away in silence from the rest of the company.

Ever since the discovery that Thorin meant a great deal more to him than merely being his uncle, Kili would find himself extremely on edge and fretful when the older dwarf wasn't close by, only calming when he sensed his One's presence. It was something, no, the only thing that alleviated his anxiety and fears. A soothing balm that consistently healed his aching soul.

Not knowing Thorin's whereabouts made Kili uneasy at the best of times, but not knowing where the elder was when he was injured, had the youngling positively frantic. He quietly stalked away from the others, his mind consumed with thoughts of his missing uncle.

Lost in thought, the raven-haired dwarf found himself standing in another clearing … the one where they all went to bathe. It was a clear night and no fiery torches were needed, for the moon and stars provided plenty of light for guidance. Yet Kili was blinded by weariness which made him sluggish in body although not of mind. Sleep wouldn't come easy for him this night, for his mind was plagued with worry. With fear that would only be eased once Thorin was found.

Fatigue made the usually sure-footed, agile dwarf clumsy. He stumbled and in doing so, stepped on a twig. A loud crack shattered the silence. Kili instantly froze and mentally slapped himself for being so careless.

"Who's there ?" a familiar gruff voice growled in demand. "Show yourself."

The overwhelming tension which had been seeping into his bones suddenly eased. Relief took over Kili and he slowly began to walk in the direction the voice came from.

Finally. He'd found him. He'd found Thorin.

"Uncle ?" Kili spoke quietly so not to draw the attention of some of the nosier, more intrusive members of the company, or Mahal forbid, that damned meddling, prying halfling. There was no way he was going to allow anyone to interrupt what he wanted to say to Thorin now or invade their privacy. Not when he'd been forced, more or less, into the shadows by the others after Thorin had been hurt. Or at least that's how it had felt to him at the time. "It's me, Ki- "

He walked deeper into the clearing to find his uncle, bare-chested, sitting on a rock by the pool. Dry-mouthed, Kili swallowed hard and ran a nervous tongue across his lips to moisten them. Thorin had taken quite a beating. His impressive torso, which Kili hadn't seen uncovered before, was black and blue and his ribs were heavily strapped. A dressing covered his right pectoral muscle and Kili couldn't fail to notice that it needed to be changed. Despite looking battered and bruised the youngling thought he'd never seen anything – anyone – more beautiful.

"Kili ?" Thorin eyed his nephew curiously. The elder's bright blue gaze was wary yet confused as he took in the dazed, yearning expression on his youngest nephew's handsome face and the tempestuous, molten heat in his dark eyes. It was something he'd never seen in the youngling before. A wanton hunger that he'd once dreamt of seeing for countless nights … before fear of rejection and common sense kicked in, causing him to gradually lose all hope. When all his dreams of future happiness, of having his beloved Kili always by his side and warming his bed, of being worthy of his sister-son's heart faded into darkness.

And those darkened dreams gradually became darker nightmares. Ones filled of endless images of constant rejection, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness. And in turn, those nightmares brought a change in Thorin. He distanced himself from the dwarf he'd come to love with all of his being. Hardened his heart to the one who brought him the most joy. Thorin grew cold towards Kili and devoted all of his time to his heir, Fili or the cause … to regain Erebor.

Once he'd been warm, patient and caring, Thorin was now glacial, sullen and demanding. He often became exasperated and irritated by the slightest thing Kili did, quickly finding fault with his nephew no matter what the youngling tried to do to please him. And he always turned away or ignored the pained expression on Kili's face and the overwhelming confusion and hurt that clouded his dark, soulful, expressive eyes. Beautiful, warm eyes which had always sparkled with joy, mirth and hope now appeared sorrowful, broken and lost. Eyes that no longer danced with mischief or life … And he'd done that, Thorin suddenly realized. He'd managed to do what he'd once hoped would never happen. He'd callously brought Kili to his nadir. He gradually stripped his nephew of his very essence. What made Kili so precious, so important to him. What had drawn him to Kili in the first place … and what had made him love the young mischief-maker more than anything – no, anyone – on Middle-earth.

He, Thorin was responsible for all of that. For bringing his nephew down so low that he was now a mere shadow of the dwarfling he used to be. And Thorin felt guilty. It ate away at him until he could barely breathe. Regret burned through him like wildfire as he studied his nephew, who watched him warily through tired eyes.

"Why are you here ?" Thorin eventually asked. There was no reply. Kili merely stood there transfixed. " _KILI !_ "

The abruptness in the tone of Thorin's voice shook Kili from his trance-like state.

"What ?"

Thorin hissed in exasperation, " _Why_ are you here ?"

"Couldn't sleep, besides …"

"'Besides' what ?"

"I was worried- "

"Worried about what, pray tell ?" Thorin drawled, as he stretched long, muscular legs before him to prevent them from cramping. The hint of sarcasm in his voice was the last straw for his tired, anxious nephew. Kili's already frayed self-control finally snapped.

"You. I was worried about _you !_ " he hissed angrily.

"Well, you needn't have bothered. I'm _still_ here, aren't I ?" Thorin replied casually, before turning his head and averting his gaze away from the furious young dwarf. "Besides, you couldn't have been all that concerned or you would've sought me before no- "

Before the older dwarf realized what was going on, the younger stood in front of him and grabbed his chin firmly, forcing Thorin to meet his heated, infuriated gaze. Thorin's bright blue eyes widened in astonishment. He hadn't expected his nephew to react so angrily or so boldly.

" _Not_ concerned you, say ? I would've sought you ? _I WAS WORRIED SICK !_ I tried to come to you to talk but you always had someone with you … and the things I needed – _wanted_ – to say were meant for your ears only … _Yours alone._ _This_ is the first chance I got to speak to you on your own, for mercy's sake !" Kili tilted Thorin's head up and swiftly lowered his head to crush his uncle's lips with his in a hard, heated, passionate kiss.

Thorin froze. For a brief moment he was unable to react, too stunned by the pressure of Kili's sensuous lips upon his. Addictively sweet lips which he'd often dreamt of tasting yet never expected to feel. To experience how perfect they felt. And now, at long last he knew …

With a low, needy groan Thorin lost the fight against temptation and gave in. His lips softened and began to move beneath Kili's as he began to return the kiss. The kiss, on Thorin's part, began slowly but it didn't take long for it to become all-consuming once Kili'd licked his way past his lips and was obsessively familiarizing himself with Thorin's mouth. Thorin groaned once more and his hands came to rest possessively on Kili's hips, drawing him closer to stand between his parted thighs.

As Thorin lost himself in the kiss and his world began to turn on its axis, Kili pulled away and stepped back, clearly affected by what had just happened. A hint of colour stained his high cheekbones and his chest rose and fell quickly in agitation as he slowly shook his head in denial. He couldn't believe he'd actually done it. _He'd kissed his One_. But _not_ in the way he'd truly wanted to and had often dreamt of. No, he'd kissed Thorin out of anger and frustration instead of allowing the simple act to convey his true feelings … need, yearning and above all, love. And now he felt nothing but shame, regret and disappointment in himself for his rash behaviour.

Thorin, meanwhile, had no such qualms over what had happened and he certainly didn't feel disappointed or have any regrets about his nephew's actions. The kiss had only reinforced what he now realized … that despite his stupidity and stubbornness, he still wanted and loved Kili and that he was no longer prepared to deny those feelings.

"Kili …" Thorin reached out to take his hand only to witness Kili withdraw further.

"No ! Don't …"

To Thorin's dismay, Kili sounded broken. The young dwarf was rigid with tension, dark head bowed and his gaze averted. It was as if he couldn't bear to look at Thorin. And that thought hurt. Mahal, how it hurt. In all the years he'd known Kili, his nephew had never pulled away from him, never avoided any contact between them or refused to meet his eyes. And now, for the first time in his life, Kili had made the elder experience firsthand what he'd forced Kili to endure of late … rejection.

"You haven't a bloody clue, have you ?" Kili muttered, causing Thorin to strain to hear him. "No idea what you've done- "

"Then tell me," Thorin rose to his feet and slowly approached Kili, who appeared to be in an unusually unpredictable mood. "If you don't tell me, how am I to know ?"

Kili suddenly raised his head. Anger flared in his eyes and he glared at Thorin.

" _How_. Are. You. To know ?" Kili bit out the words, clenching his fists in agitation. "How are _you_ to know ? I dunno. Maybe if you weren't so blind you'd actually _see_ what's right in front of you. If you _weren't_ so obsessed with Erebor and up your own arse you wouldn't be so bloody blinkered ! Nor would you have done something so stupid as to challenge those orcs-"

"Kili-"

"No ! _You_ wanted to know, so shut up ! _I'm_ talking. You say I'm thoughtless - that I act rashly - well, I'd say it's obvious now where I get it from. One reckless fool in this company's more than enough, wouldn't you agree ? You're our leader. We rely on you and your guidance. _I_ depend on you ..." Kili paused, shaking his head sadly. "For mercy's sake, Thorin, you could've died !"

Kili wrapped both of his arms around his waist and inhaled shakily. A sheen of unshed tears made his eyes glisten. Thorin quietly moved nearer, closing the gap between them even further.

"Where's all this coming from, nephew ? All this rage ?"

"Well, if you can't see it then you're an even bigger idiot than I took you for," Kili muttered, ducking his head once more so that he wouldn't have to look at his uncle and to prevent Thorin from seeing his silent tears. "Surely you're not that stupid ..."

"Please ?"

"What ? Don't tell me you want me to spell it out ? Or draw you a picture ?" Kili raised his head unexpectedly, fire flashing within the depths of his dark eyes. He spoke slowly as if explaining to a small child. " _You_ almost died, Thorin. I … I nearly lost you. If you'd … If you'd died, I would've quickly followed you- "

Kili gasped as Thorin suddenly grasped his upper arms. The elder's fingers digging mercilessly for purchase into his flesh.

"No, Kili ! Don't say that," Thorin hissed, angered by Kili's statement. " _Never_ say that again."

"Why not ? After all, it's the truth." The youngling met his uncle's shocked gaze defiantly, whilst angrily brushing the tears away from his face with the back of his hand. "What would be the point in carrying on if you weren't here ? It'd be pointless- "

"Kili, stop it !"

" _Why ?_ Do you believe I speak falsely ? That every word I utter comes by a forked tongue ? Fie, uncle ! I thought you knew me better than that- "

"No ! Kili, no …" Thorin replied with quiet regret, his bright blue eyes which held Kili's accusing gaze were full of anguish. " _Never that_. You're no liar. You aren't capable of it. You wouldn't know how …"

"Then what, Thorin ? _What ?"_ Kili demanded harshly before releasing a heavy sigh and carding restless, callused fingers through his tousled mane. "There was a time we were really close. I could read you. Could always tell what you were thinking. But not anymore. Now … now I feel as if I barely know or recognize you. You've become a stranger. Distant … You're always pushing me away and that hurts, Thorin. It _really_ hurts. 'Specially when I don't know what I've done wrong. What I've done to make you pull away from me. I miss how we were. I miss the old Thorin. I miss you, you fool. Mahal ! _How_ _I miss you_ …"

The anguished tone of Kili's voice hit Thorin hard. He gazed blindly at the starlit sky, as guilt overwhelmed him. Thorin felt as if he were choking upon the feelings of remorse and sorrow that rapidly rose from his chest. _He'd_ done this. Done needless harm to the one who meant everything to him. Caused endless pain to someone who'd cared deeply for and shown him nothing but undying devotion and loyalty. The regret Thorin experienced raged and seared through his veins like acid. Burning away at him, corroding his pride, his selfishness and stupidity … leaving nothing but shame and self-condemnation as well as his true feelings for Kili. Feelings - no matter how hard he'd tried to smother and deny - that simply refused to die and continued to plague him. Need. Desire. And above all, love …

"D'ya know what happens to a dwarf who cannot be with or loses his One ?" Kili voice quietly broke the silence. "To be denied the company and presence of your One ? No ? That dwarf … that dwarf's life no longer has purpose. It has no meaning if he can't be with his beloved. And that's why I said earlier it would be pointless to carry on if you died … _My_ life would effectively be over. I'd have no life. I'd barely exist ! Now d'ya understand ? You, _you_ are my One, Thorin. _My heart. My life_. Without you, I have neither. You're everything to me. _Everything !"_

Those impassioned words stunned the Elder. Never in his wildest dreams had he imagined Kili would reciprocate his feelings in any way. But to discover that he, Thorin, was his beloved's "One" exceeded all his expectations. Thorin swallowed hard and swiftly crushed the youngling in a fiercely possessive and loving embrace, causing his lean, sinewy frame to abruptly stiffen.

"I … I was thinking of leaving tomorrow ... for home," Kili reluctantly admitted, averting his face in shame. "I'd rather go back to mother and be seen a quitter than bring disgrace to the company or embarrass you. I just can't go on like this anymore … It's tearing me apart, Thorin … being near you yet not allowed to be with you is slowly killing me. I-I love you. I'm in love with you …"

"Oh, Kee …" Thorin ran his hands absently up and down Kili's back in an attempt to comfort him. "You've never embarrassed me, little one nor do I think you ever will. If anything, you've brought joy and laughter to my life and that's something I'll always cherish. Like I cherish you …"

Thorin's words were a healing balm that instantly soothed Kili's troubled soul. He slumped against his strappingly built uncle, the tension swiftly draining away from him. "Haven't felt cherished lately," he mumbled bluntly into Thorin's broad chest. "I've felt worthless … like I'm nothing to you."

The sincere candour in Kili's voice made Thorin wince with guilt. He couldn't for the life of him deny the truth in those words for he hadn't cherished Kili in the way he deserved. No, he'd cruelly ignored and neglected his beloved. Had caused him immense pain all because of his wilful blindness, stupidity and damned pride.

"You're far from worthless, Kee," Thorin replied gruffly, his hand still gently caressing Kili's back. He lowered his head to lightly brush his lips against the youngling's temple. "And you mean a great deal more than "nothing" to me- "

Kili froze then slowly looked up. He gravely studied Thorin's face in an attempt to read it. To see whether Thorin's words were false.

"Then why ? If that's true, why did you make me feel like shit stuck to the sole of your boot ? _Why ?"_

Thorin closed his eyes and sadly shook his head. He reached out a hand and his long, callused fingers curved gently around his nephew's nape, drawing him close before resting his forehead lightly against Kili's and sighed heavily.

"Because I'm a fool, Kee. A proud, arrogant, stubborn old fool. One that's too stupid, too blind and too bloody scared to recognize what's starring him in the face … I-I've wanted and loved you for what seems like forever but I was so convinced you'd never want me back … That you only loved me as blood kin and nothing more … That I was too old, too cold and dull for you. So I pulled away from you before I made an even bigger lovesick fool of myself. I spurned you before you could reject me … and in the end I succeeded in hurting us both. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted was to cause you any pain. I hate myself for hurting you, for being so cruel. It's my biggest regret and the worst thing I've ever done …"

Kili's breath hitched before he asked tremulously, "Y-You wanted me ?"

Thorin nodded, "Still do, more than anything … even more than Erebor itself and all its riches."

A wide-eyed Kili could only look at him in awe as he struggled to comprehend the sincerity of Thorin's declaration. "A-And you love me ?"

"Aye, little one, I still love you … or what I really mean to say is that I'm _still_ in love with you- _AW !_ " He rubbed his upper arm which Kili'd just struck and looked at him with wounded, soulful blue eyes. "Why in Mahal's name did you just hit me ?"

"You bloody idiot !" Kili replied with fond exasperation. "Why didn't you say something ? Look at the time we've both wasted, you damn fool … Precious time that we could've had together. I could no more reject you, love, than I could stop breathing." Kili paused and grinned impishly at Thorin. "We both know I'm awesome but you need to remember I'm no seer nor am I a mind-reader. Next time, when it comes to your feelings for me or if anything's worrying you, you tell me, yes ?"

Thorin nodded and began to close the gap between them once more as Kili continued to talk.

"If we're going to be a team, we have to be open and honest with each other. No more hiding our feelings or bottling them up- "

"Wait up !" Thorin had a dazed expression on his handsome face. "Are you saying what I think – what I hope – you're saying ? That you want- "

"That I want to give this a shot ? That I want to be with you ?" Kili nodded quickly before ducking his head to hide the faint blush that delicately tinted his high cheekbones and shyly watched him with dark, smoky eyes. Eyes that conveyed everything he felt. Need. Want. Desire. And love. "I reckon I am ... _if_ you want to, that is- "

The sight of his little one anxiously worrying his lower lip as he waited for Thorin's reaction was all it took for the Oakenshield to respond. "What do you think ? Of course I want ! More than anything. But only if you're sure ?"

Kili reached out and took hold of one of Thorin's braids and absently twisted it around his index finger. A slight yet happy smile played on Kili's lips and his eyes danced with mischief. "Oh, _I'm_ sure. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. Now, quit your jawing and kiss me."

Thorin felt a sharp tug on his braid and grinned. "You'll be the death of me, Kee …"

"Well, at least you'll die happy, you grumpy, old sod !" Kili replied cheekily. "Mahal ! That knock you took to the head from that warg must've been harder than I thought … you're not usually this slow on the uptake !"

"You cheeky little tyke ! That smart tongue of yours desperately needs something to occupy it …"

With that final remark, Thorin gave in to what they both wanted and swiftly claimed a more than eager Kili's laughing mouth. And Kili for once, though he'd _never_ admit it, was only too happy and willing to be silenced …

 **FINIS**


End file.
